a little break down...

10.24.2011

oh dear. for the past many months i have avoided thinking about, "these are the last months/weeks/days of just abigail and me"...I have avoided this for two reasons. 1) i knew i would cry uncontrollably if i did think about it. 2) i figured what's the point in thinking about it when it's just going to stress me out and i knew once mailie arrived it would feel like a knew perfect world anyways.
last night however i could not stop myself from thinking about it, and i did exactly what i thought i would. broke down crying uncontrollably.
i am just having the hardest time thinking about dropping abigail off on our way to the hospital. i am stressing about it because i feel like i will probably bawl my eyes out leaving her, because i know when she sees me again, her life will be forever changed from that moment, as well as our lives. also if i have to drop her off at night, it'll be the first time not being with her at night. i know these things are probably silly to worry about, considering is 100% understand that abigail will be great and adjust just fine, as well as i know i will be ecstatic to have these two girls in my life and not feel like "dang, i wish it was just abigail and i again". i truly understand this, but the real fact is that it hasn't happened yet, so all i can think about it what life is like now, and that's abigail and me at home, hanging out together, just the two of us, and then just the three of us when josh is home...and it's wonderful and perfect.
understand that i never felt like something was missing once abigail entered our lives. life felt perfect with just her, and i was not that woman who ever got "baby hungry". i kept waiting for that moment, but i truly was and still am completely content with just her. it took me awhile to make the decision that i was ready for another child because i kept feeling uneasy about the idea of it not being the three of us anymore and i wasn't ready for that change. and heavenly father wasn't telling me it was time, so i felt no pressure. once that feeling went away, i knew i was ready to start trying. but even then it was more "i want another baby so abigail has a sibling. but it took me feeling mailie kicking to finally think of her as "my baby" rather then "abigail's sibling". this isn't to say that i am not insanely anxious to meet mailie, or not already in love with her. of course i am. after having a child i now understand that 'instant falling in love' feeling, which is why i have never worried about loving another child as much as the first.

today, i feel better. i think i just needed a good cry. i think it's just the realization that mailie will be here very, very soon, as in less then a month, especially since contractions have already made their appearance in this home. so i feel like every day needs to be the perfect day in case it's the last day as just the three of us.
oh i'm also nervous about abigail looking all grown up with having a newborn around. because i need her to stay my baby as well. i'm a mess. possibly too attached in some people's eyes, but so be it.
i need to just keep focusing on how wonderful it will be to see the two of them together.
i know this post was a lot of rambling, might not make sense. i'm not even taking the time to proof read it, so it might be filled with mistakes. but this was one of those "i just need to write things down" days. so here it is. now, it's time to breath. i think i need some yoga.

6 comments:

  1. I'm crying with you! I have the same fears, its so unreal to think of a family of 4 and not being 3 anymore. Don't feel bad at all for feeling how you feel. I just know it will all go away when you're holding your new baby girl. hang in there. I love that you said you are making everyday perfect like it was your last with abigail. that's so sweet! you are such a good mom and truly the 3 musketeers!

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  2. I felt exactly the same way as you did my second and third pregnancy. I am so excited for you! I can't wait to see pictures of Mailie and your beautiful family! I love your name choices by the way.

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  3. good job writing down your thoughts. i'm sure abigail will appreciate them someday!!

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  4. Good for you to let it out and have a good cry. That will usually make you feel better!

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  5. I felt guilty feeling that way then I read a blog where another mom said the same kind of things. I felt so relieved to know it wasn't just me.

    love you.

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  6. It is scary throwing a huge wrench (i.e. baby) into this little life of ours. I just keep picturing the moment when Emma and baby will meet for the first time and how wonderful it will be to be able to hold two little girls instead of one. It gets me through some moments of major freak-out. Good luck with baby! I'll be anxious to see how Abigail adjusts.

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