Utah...

6.13.2012

this is not a usual type of post for me, but i felt the need to just write things down as a kind of therapy. and maybe someone else has been feeling the same way and would like to hear it from another lady :)

Lately we've been feeling like our time here in Salt Lake has come to an end. I don't know if that is in fact the case, but it just feels like things are no longer falling into place here. It feels like a change needs to be made. We just feel stuck. We need to figure out where we are supposed to set some roots, because Salt Lake doesn't seem to be the answer anymore.
Last summer we were looking for homes, and even put an offer in on one. When we got the news that there was someone that JUST beat us to the punch on an offer, we were pretty bummed. So we continued to look, but nothing felt right (partly due to Utah's outrageous prices for their tiny homes, which feels like a scam). We decided to take a break from looking for a little bit. Within just a couple of months, we began to feel like Utah might not be where we are supposed to end up, and even felt a bit of relief that we did not buy a home just months prior. We had that "so that's why Heavenly Father said "no" " moment ;) Although frustrating to want something but feel it's not right at the current moment, we in no way want to buy a home where we aren't even going to be for 5 years.
The decision for this big step is being made with A LOT of prayer on our part. And so far the decision to set roots here has not felt right. A bit disheartening, but we trust that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing ;) So on one hand I feel peace with this decision; to just stay put and wait until we're told where to go. But on the other hand I am not feeling peace, because things just aren't coming together and it's driving me a bit crazy!
We've been praying like mad men to know what it is we are to do next? What is this 'change' that is to be made? Don't get me wrong, some things are going well. Josh's work is wonderful, our ward is amazing; it has been a huge reason we have not left. But it feels like Heavenly Father is telling us it might be time to go, and the idea of doing so is longer AS heart breaking. And certain things have just happened in the past year to make us think we want to make some changes.
Soooo, this is where the feelings of unpeace (is that a word?) comes in. Because we know there is a change that is supposed to be made, but we just don't know what it is! It's making me feel inadequate, like I'm not praying right, or that I'm just not asking the "right" thing. But at this point I don't even know what I am supposed to be asking. Does that make sense?
Yes, I know Heavenly Father knows what he is doing. And yes, I know it will all be okay, especially as long as we are living the way we are supposed to. These are not doubts for me. I've just felt frustrated with not getting answers like I've been praying for constantly. Especially when everyone around us seems to be getting their answers...that's how it seems to work ;)
Then Relief Society happened, this last Sunday. And we discussed prayer for a bit. One lady discussed how she had been feeling frustrated because they uprooted their family here from a place that they loved, and buying a home just hasn't worked out, and she was feeling like she "didn't even know what to pray for even more"...right out of MY mouth! I felt like I was listening to myself, which was wonderful to hear another person who could understand what I have been going through. So then another (always makes amazing comments) woman shared with us something that President Packer had said regarding praying for answers. He said you ask for something, and if you don't get an answer, you continue to go forward with your decision, and Heavenly Father WILL stop you if it's not the right decision.
This was definitely something I needed to hear. Because I have felt like I've been praying for answers and not receiving any kind of confirmation. So we will go forward, and he will stop us if it's not supposed to happen.
That being said, we are moving to Peru.
Not really. But that would be cool. No, we actually aren't even sure what decision to go ahead and just make, so I feel like we're still at square one ;) But I still feel a lot better after that wonderful advice from President Packer!

It is in my nature, when asked, "how are you doing", to always respond with, "i'm great" or equivalent. I don't like putting my problems on other people or really sharing my hardships with others. That being said, I've decided to just throw it out there, that things have pretty much been on the stressful end of the spectrum. You know when you feel like you're just getting hit over and over, left and right, you don't know how much more you can take. I have felt like that has been my situation lately. And I know things are far more horrible for many other people in this world...people I would love to just go to and help their lives be better. But this is MY hardship right now, and we all deserve to be able to say, "this sucks". Because even though it could always be worse, and there is always someone out there in a worse situation, that doesn't mean yours isn't worth feeling a bit stressed/sad/frustrated/etc about. Sometimes you just need to vent and not have someone remind you of how "Joe down the street" is worse off. Yes? Because when you wake up in the next morning, YOU will already remind yourself about how Joe down the street is doing worse, and you are so grateful for your blessings. So you don't want other people doing it for you. You guys know what I'm saying right?

Okay, so there you go. And with that being said, everything is "great"! ;)

ps. i completely expected more "how have your children inspired you" comments...i know they have in some way, so, get with it, friends! ;)

7 comments:

  1. That can totally be frustrating. I say if you are living how you know you should be then you and Josh just need to make a decision and go from there. Those sisters are right. If the lord doesn't want you do go/do that he will let you know. It could be that the few things ya'll have been praying about are both good places for your family and he want ya'll to make the decision. I dont know just a thought. Good luck figuring it all out. Hey and when you get sad about not owning a home just remind yourself you don't have to put up with all of the broken/problems that come with being a home owner - your landlord has to take care of all that junk. ha thats what I do!

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  2. Good luck with finding the change meant for your family! Sometimes I wish that Heavenly Father gave us very specific lists of this is exactly when, where, and how you are suppose to do things, rather than us figuring it out and waiting for him to answer back with a yes, no, or "I'll tell you later." It seems so much easier and comforting at times since I'd know it was next on my to-do list made by Heavenly Father. But of course if that is how things were, I'd probably wish it was how they really are now. But truly, I hope you most of all are blessed with peace to help take away the frustration of the "not knowing stage" and that soon you both will know what change is in store. :) I love you!

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  3. Has Josh asked at work about a transfer? Maybe that would give you a starting point, at least show you what options there are out there, since I'm guessing you probably want to keep him working. Is Josh going to school? For some reason I thought he was, but I could be crazy. Good luck with this challenge. I guess I am just spoiled as I don't want to leave Nampa (especially now that my kids are finally at such amazing schools). We love you guys and hope you find peace soon!

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  4. I hear you.

    I feel like I get restless when I don't know what the next stop is and then when all is said and done, after things come together, I wonder why I didn't just enjoy the phase more rather than feeling frustrated and having spent so much time wondering what the plan was so I could plan. I don't have any good advice, I go through this cycle and keep forgetting how to balance planning for the future and living today.

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  5. Megs! Sorry you are going through this. I TOTALLY understand and feel everything you were explaining in this post. Before Ramon got into his AA program we were in limbo for over 2 years. We knew we wanted to move on to something but we didn't know what it was. It literally took years to finally get the answer we had been searching for. One thing I took from the experience was that everything will be okay as long as you are doing what's right. And you guys are. You're awesome and I promise everything will fall into place. Hang in there! Thinking of you and miss you on FB. ;)

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  6. HEY! you could not have said it any better.. Its crazy! Ha I/we are going through the exact same thing. I mean not exact exact.. but stressful life decisions and such.. and president packers quote that was shared i told tyler about it was the greatest. everything you said seriously yes yes yes.. but be patient and how exciting right?! ha maybe peru is where youll go.. ha..im here if you ever want to talk!

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